I’m baaack! I’m sorry I had to abandon you for the last two episodes, but I’ll be honest: they put me into a deep slumber for two weeks and I’m only just waking up. What’s happening? Who am I? Who are all of these people pretending to be friends?
It’s hard to believe that we’re closing in on the end of this season and yet so little has happened. It’s been an odd, disjointed season, no? It got off to such a great start with the authentic batshit crazy of #BookGate but it feels like it’s been struggling to pick up momentum ever since. And we’ve barely even seen Heather.
“Remember to avoid the SHAYs: Smart, Hot, Ambitious and Youngerthanyou’s. These qualities are almost always a deadly combination found in women who want to destroy you for their own gain. Instead, look for PLODs: Plain, Lazy, Old, and Dumb. There’s little chance they’ll repurpose your ideas as their own to gain visibility. How could they? They don’t even understand what the company does. Hell, they can barely read. And they can’t steal your man if they don’t fit into your clothes!”
I never thought I would be treated differently for my gender in 2014, until I played a character living in 1795. Stephensonville Colony is a restored colonial village where actors bring history to life. I was employed as a character there for the longest six months of my life. Working there, I felt like women’s rights were set back at least 50 years!
As a new drama BFA with a minor in history, I thought Stephensonville would be the perfect place to share my craft and mastery of an old-timey British “ahck-sent” (lol!). It turned out that it was just a ploy for men to control me. From the moment I was hired at Stephensonville, I was told what to wear, where to go, and what to say when a visitor pointed out the fire extinguisher in the stables (”GET OUT”).
*Sponsored Post* I’m so excited to be working with Hobby Lobby, my favorite store for buying crafts on the cheap and for getting them bagged by workers without basic healthcare! Hobby Lobby just gets that real America is on a budget, and that includes corporations, too, okay? Love me some bargains!
When Hobby Lobby approached me about writing some sponcon (that’s how we in the biz refer to sponsored content), I had just the thing. Here are some fun, affordable Hobby Lobby items that women can use to go fuck themselves!
I will never forgive Kristen for making me side with Sheryl Sandberg this week. We should #BanBossy. I’m starting to agree with Brian Moylan that this trip to Montana was just designed to bore these Housewives to tears to get them fighting as much as possible. The arguments aren’t even making sense anymore!
A little programming note here: if you haven’t seen the episode, first of all, don’t. There are much better ways to spend 40+ minutes, like drawing a picture of Montana from memory, then crumpling it into a ball. More importantly, I realized recently that my “recaps” don’t actually do that much recapping. It’s more commentary than recap.
We still cool? Let’s go through the episode and see what else we can #ban!
“I think it was that Kendrick boy,” said local eccentric Mrs. Moody, a beekeeper who can often be found wandering the shores of Lake Silence, and a fan of the song, “Summertime Sadness”. “One time I saw him drive his Thunderbird down to the White Horse Gentlemen’s Club with another woman in the front seat. She looked just like Elizabeth, but she had shocking red hair. It was a strange thing. A strange, strange thing.”