Reductress: Woman Still Doing Modified Workout After 20 Years

pregnant-exercise-820x500

Woman Still Doing Modified Workout After 20 Years (Reductress)

“I invited Helen to a yoga class once,” says Cosentino, a friend of Schmulsky’s from church. “I thought it would be good for her to shake things up, but she ended up spending most of the class in child’s pose. I even saw her use a foam block once. Why would anyone need a foam block for child’s pose?”

Check out my latest for Reductress!

A Prayer for Cookie Lyon

cookie

Dear Cookie Lyon:
Empress of the Empire,
Fabulosticator of Fabulosticators,
Dranker of Purple Drank,
And Haver of That Ass,

In your name,
we pray:

That all the birds
and small furry animals
who’ve donated themselves
to your wardrobe
lived long and happy lives;

That all these chilly bitches
who are not on your level
will sit down
and shut up…

Read more here: A Prayer for Cookie Lyon (The Hairpin)

The Steve Buscemi/Danny DeVito erotic fan fiction you’ve been waiting for is here.

Buscemi_Devito_640wide

“Oh my god, it’s Danny DeVito!” said a firefighter who had previously shown an embarrassing amount of unchill when he’d met Steve Buscemi for the first time.

But Steve Buscemi didn’t waste any time yelling out people’s names, like we’re all idiots who don’t know that Danny DeVito both directed AND starred in Matilda. No, he hoisted the beloved television star over his shoulder, and he got the hell out of there!

Three flights of stairs and one quick jog past the Continental breakfast bar later (just to see if there was anything good left), Steve Buscemi knelt beside Danny DeVito in the parking lot and began administering CPR. It was the kind of sexy CPR that only transpires between teenagers on summer vacation, yet it was happening here, between two celebrated character actors in a congested area of Brooklyn. And even though one actor was nine inches taller than the other, and the other one was unconscious, the paramedic who witnessed it said it was the most romantic moment of his life, and he’d been on a hot air balloon, buddy.

The Fires of Love: A Danny DeVito and Steve Buscemi Erotic Fan Fiction (The Hairpin)

The Hairpin has published some of the weirdest, silliest, most niche shit I’ve written over the past two years, and I truly love them for it.

 

Art by Daniel Reis.

Weird Personal Email #34: Bumbling towards the Willennium

Every week or so, I send out a Weird Personal Email to subscribers with updates about what I’m working on, pop culture commentary, feminist rants, jokes, confessions, rambling stories about strange social interactions, and sometimes, playlists. Here is one of those emails. You can subscribe here, if you’d like.

bumblehungry

Hey there, ya loony llamas!

I hope you guys are good! It’s still cold as fuck here, and I feel like Bumble. It’s time for another Weird Personal Email!!!

I’ve been working my way through back episodes of The Read, and I don’t know that there’s a funnier podcast out there right now. Even the way they say “what?” can make me laugh. Plus, podcasting is super white and straight, and the hosts of The Read are neither, and they’re the only reason why I’m able to understand the intricacies of the Amber Rose/Tyga feud, which is super important.

bumblescary

Continue reading Weird Personal Email #34: Bumbling towards the Willennium