New York vs. Los Angeles

I have lived in Los Angeles for three years now, and lived in New York for five (and within an hour of the city for 23 years before that). However, I wrote a list comparing the two cities after only spending four days in Los Angeles on my first visit here, and I gotta say, I pretty much nailed it. (This was previously published in Weird Personal Emails, and lives on in the book.)

Here it is, because no one has ever compared these two cities before:

 

LOS ANGELES

NEW YORK CITY

  • Scientology

  • A guy on a skateboard being pulled around by his pitbull

  • Hills

  • Working out

  • Medical marijuana

  • Having to make small talk with your Lyft driver

  • Burritos

  • Sushi

  • Burgers

  • Avocado on everything

  • People pushing pugs in baby strollers

  • Smog

  • Sitting in traffic

  • Palm trees

  • California Don Draper

  • Hasidic Jews

  • A guy on a unicycle walking his (embarrassed) dog

  • Bridges

  • Cigarettes

  • Delivery service

  • Having to trick your cab into taking you to Brooklyn

  • Pizza

  • Chinese food

  • Bagels

  • Bacon on everything

  • People pushing pugs in baby strollers

  • Garbage

  • Getting squooshed on the subway

  • Brownstones

  • New York Don Draper

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June’s Cleaver Hits the Main Stage at IO West!

Heyyy, long time no blog!

Some exciting news: my sketch comedy team, June’s Cleaver, is now officially a Main Stage sketch team at the iO West theater in Hollywood! We’ve been writing and performing a new show each month for over a year now. Come out and see our next show this Sunday! It’s going to be ~spOoOokily~ good!

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My Wife Is In This Room: A Post-Bachelor Podcast!

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Hey babes! My husband and I started a new podcast called My Wife Is In This Room: A Post-Bachelor Podcast, and it’s all about America’s favorite guilty pleasure, The Bachelor!

We take a weekly deep dive into all things The Bachelor, recapping the latest episodes and the latest gossip, and peering into the souls of 25 year-old dental hygienists so you don’t have to.

Subscribe on iTunes! Or stream the podcast through our SoundCloud feed!

Looking forward to talking Bach with you! XO

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Listen to me talk about The Real Housewives on The Sleeper Hit podcast!

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I was a guest on Meryl Williams’s great podcast The Sleeper Hit, where guests talk about what’s underrated in pop culture, over drinks! I talked about Bravo’s The Real Housewives, a/k/a my greatest passion in life. We also talked about the new Harry Potter book, pumpkin spice, and lots of other things. Download it or listen here! Or, you might as well subscribe on iTunes, since you’re going to want to anyway.

44 Totally Unfuckable Presidents

This piece was originally published on Medium.

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I’m getting married in a couple weeks, and as a part of my journey to find love, I’ve been doing a lot of self-questioning. It’s recently come to my attention that there is yet to be a fuckable President of the United States. I would not fuck them in the White House. I would not fuck them in a blue blouse. I would not fuck a silver fox. I would not let them in my box.

Here’s a list of my sexual opinions:

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1. George Washington — While I respect the hell out of his #childfree lifestyle, I do have to wonder if everything was working alright down there. He never managed to knock Martha up, and it’s not like that bitch was on the pill.

2. John Adams — This guy just doesn’t “get it” when it comes to women. Have you read Abigail’s letters begging him to think about women’s rights when he was about to FORM AN ENTIRE NEW GOVERNMENT, and his condescending, mansplaining replies? I’m getting a rage headache just thinking about them. He defff couldn’t find the clit.

3. Thomas Jefferson — HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Let’s not even start with this tire fire.

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4. James Madison — Straight-up looks like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets. Plus he has a weird, heart-shaped hairline. Frankly, I’d rather fuck the Muppet.

5. James Monroe — He’s the reason we have Florida. NEXT!

6. John Quincy Adams — Not into dudes whose whole life plans are so clearly centered around gaining their fathers’ approval. Take those Daddy issues to the track!

Continue reading “44 Totally Unfuckable Presidents”

You’re Invited to: My Candidate Reveal Party!

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Originally posted on Medium.

What’s up, Facebook friend! I know it’s been a long time since we’ve spoken in person, or even “Liked” each other’s new profile pics, but I want you to know that I cherish our memories together. (Although, I can’t quite place you, to be honest. Were you the girl who started dating the football coach like a month after we graduated?)

I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve been disarmingly quiet about politics on social media this election cycle. Or rather, I’ve been non-committally liberal — I’ve “Liked” both a video of Bernie hugging a bird and a picture of Hillary Clinton texting a pair of sunglasses. “Wow, how mysterious!” you probably thought. “Who supports both Democratic candidates? Her heart and her head must be in constant battle, like a Selena Gomez song! When will she pick a side?”

The truth is, I do know who I’m voting for, but I’ve been waiting to announce it because I wanted to do it in the most awesome, most SEO-friendly way possible! Today, I’ll be hosting a Candidate Reveal Party to let all my social media channels know who’s got my vote, and you’re invited! Am I #Burning4Her, or am I #WithHim? I hope you can come, or at least bump up the numbers on my Periscope feed!

Continue reading “You’re Invited to: My Candidate Reveal Party!”