“I’m Just Trying to Get These Fancy New York Bitches Up in Here Hugging a Few Trees:” The Real Housewives of New York City, Season 6, Episode 10

Clearly, it is preferable to be on camera with this look than with wet hair.
Clearly, it is preferable to be on camera with this look than with wet hair.

My recap for this week is very late, partially due to work stuff, but also because I’m increasingly baffled by this show. Is it just me, or has this season felt somewhat… off? I heard that the premiere was delayed by several months because Bravo felt they didn’t have enough footage, but how is that possible with what we’ve seen so far? There’s been a major fight with serious career consequences, one Housewife in a financial crisis, a non-obnoxious anniversary party, the Coney Island Mermaid Parade, and like five trips to the Hamptons. I’m exhausted.

Even though it was another blessed Aviva-free episode, there was still plenty of bullshit. Let’s count it down…

BULLSHIT #1: RAMONA’S NON-APOLOGY

We all remember how last week Ramona threw a GLASS at Kristen’s face from a canoe, yes? And then threatened to take her eyes out with an oar? On Twitter this week Ramona claimed that the glass was made of plastic, but what kind of plastic shatters on impact and cuts someone’s face?

Ramo: First Blood
Ramo: First Blood

Ramona knew that technically she had to apologize, but her hair looked like shit and she did not feel remorseful, so she delivered the least convincing apology ever: “I guess I’m sorry that I threw a glass at you, I guess, but you splashed me first and ruined my hair and you’re a bitch.” Kristen’s jaw dropped to the center of the Earth, as it does, and she gasped, “You threw a GLASS at my FACE, Ramona!” Then there was an epic tornado of blame-throwing where two adult women yelled at each other over whether hair-splashing calls for violent retaliation. I think my favorite line was, “You drew BLOOD, Ramona!”

Of course, this conversation got nowhere.

BULLSHIT #2: THE WINE OPTIONS

After this ego-inflated woman injured her face and refused to apologize for it, poor Kristen had no choice but to drink Ramona’s wine or go sober at dinner. Really, I’m disappointed in you, HollaHeather. I would’ve expected you to have a fully stocked liquor cabinet at your house in the woods.

I hope he at least brought some pills or something.
I hope he brought some pills or something.

However, HollaHeather redeemed herself when Andrew Dice Clay dressed as Elvis rolled up to flirt with Kristen (or at least, render her non-verbal). The two of them ran off together into the woods, which is exactly right.

BULLSHIT #3: THE FOREST OF RAMOTIONS

The next morning, Ramona secretly packed up her things and called her friend with a private plane to pick her up, and HollaHeather dragged everyone into the woods to hug trees. Ramona wandered off with Carole, her guardian, and had an acid flashback from her college days that went something like this:

RAMONA: Oh my gosh, okay, this is really crazy, these woods are just like the ones at my childhood home! Remember, my childhood, which was really bad? I’m crying, I’m crying, I’m crying! Okay, I’m leaving. Listen, I need you to drive me to the airport, I have a plane picking me up. Let’s go.

CAROLE: (speechless)

"Okay, wow, this is really scary. I just realized that I forgot to put make-up on this morning."
“Okay, wow, this is really scary. I just realized I forgot to put make-up on this morning.”

I love that Carole saw through that whole charade. It’s really a shame that Ramona had to leverage her abusive childhood in order to get out of a girls’ weekend at a country house. I mean, come on. Surely there are better uses for that trauma, like a book deal. Or, here’s an idea: SHE COULD HAVE JUST NOT COME AT ALL, since she was clearly never willing to give the Berkshires a chance.

Sail off into the sun, little manic bird. Sail away.

Great. Now I'll have nightmares about being in a plane of this size with Ramona.
Great. Now I’ll have nightmares about being in a plane of this size with Ramona.

It’s so tempting to end this recap here, because Ramona flying away would be a very satisfying conclusion to the story, but believe it or not, the bullshit did not end there.

BULLSHIT #4: THE COUGAR EDIT

With Ramona out of the picture and everyone able to breath a little easier, HollaHeather took the ladies out on her favorite lake. Do you have a favorite lake, reader? I can’t say I’ve cultivated that particular personality quirk. I do know that I’m an INFJ on the Myers-Briggs. What kind of lake does that suit me for?

I love how these women all wear bikinis with hats to keep the sun off their necks.
I love how these women all wear itsy bitsy bikinis, but with hats to keep the sun off their necks.

Sonja is apparently suited for the kind of lake where she can play Man-Hungry Cougar to a Catholic twenty-year-old. I felt like Carole was being a little slut-shaming in her talking heads this week, especially the one about how sleeping with Sonja would mean sleeping with Harry and half of New York. It’s not like Carole’s ever pretended to be some born-again virgin, so this was a little out of character for her.

That said, it’s pretty gross to express interest in sleeping with a twenty-year-old dude. Period. Doesn’t matter if you’re twenty years old yourself. It’s just inappropriate. Their brains aren’t fully formed yet and they can’t buy their own alcohol. THEY EVEN CAN’T RENT A CAR. Don’t touch them. Let them wander the streets in packs with their bros, like the buffalo did, tragically oblivious to their fate.

BULLSHIT #5: SPLIT LIP

Isn’t it odd how, no matter what horrors have happened to a person, if they harp on them long enough, you lose all sympathy? I mean, Aviva was once a tiny, helpless five-year-old girl feeling her leg getting crushed and twisted beyond repair, and today we’re all, “Ugh, enough with the leg already.”

"I mean, can you believe what she did? Can you actually believe it? Oh my God! What she did, can you believe?"
“I mean, can you believe what she did? Can you believe it? Oh my God! What she did, can you believe?”

I was so on Kristen’s side at the beginning of this episode. I feel that she’s funnier and more perceptive than most of the people in her life want her to be. I thought it was clear that Ramona didn’t think Kristen deserved to have an opinion from day one, and the wine glass throw was disturbingly violent. I watch a lot of garbage reality TV, including shows like Love & Hip Hop where actual physical fights break out. To me, throwing glass in someone’s face while they’re swimming is considerably more dangerous than throwing a punch. Kristen could’ve pressed charges.

And then Kristen couldn’t stop fucking talking about it.

Girl seriously brought up the wine thing five times in one day. I know it was fucking crazy, but just be happy that Ramona is gone and try to relax and stop thinking about her. Even Carole, who was the first to leap out of Ramona and Sonja’s boat and help Kristen, was like, “Okay girl, enough,” by the end of this day. There’s nothing more frustrating to watch than a Housewife stalemate. And unfortunately, Kristen’s penchant for continuing to run her mouth about Ramona led to her name coming up at dinner.

Is Ramona at a white party? Are white people even allowed to have those? They shouldn't be.
Is Ramona at a white party? Are white people even allowed to have those? They shouldn’t be.

BULLSHIT #6: THE SNAPCHAT

Oh my God, you guys. Who even CARES that Ramona went to the Hamptons???? Are they actually surprised? Every other word out of that broad’s mouth was “Hamptons” for the past 48 hours, like she had some kind of bourghie disease. Bitch wanted to be on Long Island, let her be on Long Island. They had way more fun without her anyway. The only person at that table who really should be upset is Sonja, because Ramona didn’t take her with her, and also she seemed weirdly invested in Ramona’s story about the Berkshires being just like her abusive father. (HollaHeather would have grounds to be upset too, but she won’t, because she just doesn’t care that much.)

Then the conversation got weird. Why is Ramona’s name in these ladies’ mouths so much? Carole should feel dirty about that, not about Sonja hitting on her. The Countess, who is somehow not an official cast member this season despite being in almost every episode and going on all the group trips, plants the idea about having an “intervention” with Ramona. As far as I can tell, this intervention is not coming from concern or love or worry that someone you care about is going down a dark, irreversible path in destroying her life. Or, you know, anything related to an actual intervention. This is an “intervention” about someone lying to you about going to the Hamptons. Probably not A&E material.

"I think we should ask her to seek treatment... for lying about going to a party."
“I think we should ask her to seek treatment… for ditching me.”

BULLSHIT #7: THE “INTERVENTION”

What is this shit going to look like? “Ramona, we brought you here today because we’re all pissed off with you and think you’re a bitch.” What’s the point of that conversation? It just feels very mean-girls-turning-on-the-queen-bee, like in Mean Girls, when they turned on the queen bee. Of course, we have the advantage of looking at this footage from the future, where we know that most of Ramona’s acting out is related to her marriage falling apart. Let’s all try to remember that: whenever someone is being a cunt, always ask them if everything is okay at home first. And make them use paper cups in the canoe.

Next week: LuAnn is a linebacker, Kristen has a sit-down with Ramona, and HollaHeather wears a shiny pink blouse. Until then, I’ll be like Kristen’s lip: I’m splittin’!

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