“I Need A Bagel:” The Real Housewives of New York City, Season 6, Episode 11

And I've never seen you with covered shoulders.
And I’ve never seen you with covered shoulders.

We know too much. It’s getting harder and harder to keep watching this show without turning to all the baggage that’s out there in the tabloids (okay, Radar Online) and blog world (okay, Vulture comments). I don’t especially feel like commenting on a marital breakdown, but to not acknowledge it just seems… weird, no? When I see a scene of a husband and wife acting like everything is fine, but it’s a couple days after the wife reportedly found him with his mistress in their summer home… is that still none of my business? No, of course it isn’t.

Well, what do I do with the rumors that another long-term couple on the show weren’t actually together during this season, despite appearing that way for the cameras? It affects the structure and meaning of the show. Isn’t commenting on that kind of thing my job? Critiquing the performances, if you will?

I used to enjoy picking the peeling paint off of this show and calling it out: fake, fake, fake. It’s a reality show, after all. They used to want us to be voyeurs to their materialism and bad behavior. Now we’re just witnesses to lives falling apart. I don’t like it. I don’t know what to do with it. And I should warn you: I’m in a melancholy and cranky mood this week for no reason at all, and this episode depressed me.

Here kid, HollaHeather's outfit will cheer you up.
Here kid, HollaHeather’s outfit will cheer you up.

That’s not even to mention the total lack of accountability that Bravo’s shown when it comes to Ramona THROWING A GLASS at Kristen’s FACE while she was SWIMMING. Ramona was on WWHL last week and Andy Cohen lobbed softball after softball right over the plate. Boy, they sure known which side their bread is buttered on. If any of us regular, normcore-but-this-is-actually-how-I-live types did something like that at our jobs, we would be fired and probably face legal action. But Ramona somehow gets a free pass because she’s… a fan favorite? (Is she really though?)

And then there’s Aviva. Contract disputes led to her getting booted for a couple of weeks. Did you notice that she hasn’t even been in the credits the past few episodes? Bravo didn’t want you to notice. I heard that they made all the cast members keep renewing 7-week contracts this season, so that they were under pressure to “deliver” or Bravo could put them on unpaid leave. I certainly don’t mind that Aviva’s been gone, but what the fuck kind of business practice is that? “Turn up the drama or we’ll find a freelance Housewife to fill in for you?” And how does Ramona not get fired in that context?

I don’t know, you guys. I guess one of the joys of recapping this show each week is getting to play with the format. Do you want to go through the episode with me and rate all the notable moments from 1 to Depressing? Let’s run through it real quick and then go get a burger.

Oof. I can almost hear their stomachs gurgling.
Oof. I can almost hear their stomachs gurgling.

Hungover Yoga:  2/10 (Actually pretty funny)

It rang true to me that all the women totally intended to do 9 AM yoga the night before, but it turned out to be the last thing they wanted to do the next morning. They all seemed pretty sober at dinner– what the hell did they get into after the cameras stopped rolling? I’m actually impressed that they even followed through with the yoga at all. Ten bucks says it’s only because the instructor was so enthusiastic.

Also: look yonder, is that a trampoline? Man. Can I rent Heather’s house this summer?

Where's Candy Finnigan?
Where’s Candy Finnigan?

Ramona’s “Intervention:” 5/10 (Misguided)

I’ll admit, this did not go as poorly as I expected. They clearly knew when to lay off. OBVIOUSLY Ramona was going to react like a scared bird that flew in the window of your office and can’t get out when they started confronting her about lying and Molly Sims’s party. (“Who’s Molly Sims?” -Carole) But these women never should have been left with the task of creating consequences for Ramona after she threw a GLASS at their friend. That was the producers’ jobs, and they dropped the ball, so instead we got a tense dinner at which Ramona learned nothing except that she probably needed to apologize to Kristen again.

Did she go shiny to honor Ramona's history in satin?
Did she go shiny to honor Ramona’s history in satin?

HollaHeather’s Iridescent  Pink Dress: 3/10 (Are the ’80s back again? No, but I’m actually asking.)

It pains me when Heather wears something that people can make fun of, because I really like her style, for the most part. Or rather, I like that she takes risks. How we need that after years and years of Ramona’s blue strapless whatevers and the Countess’s turquoise jewelry and even Bethenny’s little tailored red dresses! Snooooze. I kind of love this crazyness, shoulder pads and all.

Sext: u finally beat 2048 and ruin another anniversry dinner
Sext: U finally beat 2048 and ruin another anniversary dinner.

Josh… It’s Too Sad to Get Into: 9.5/10 (Nearly bawling)

Oh, you guys. I need a deep breath and a hug before I even describe this scene. *does so* Josh came home from work in the middle of the day, which he made sure Kristen knew WAS A VERY BIG DEAL FOR HIM, to be with his 17-month-old daughter during her physical therapy. His child is not walking yet, and she should be. (By the way, I’m glad that Kristen clarified that, because I have no fucking clue when babies develop. Do they start talking at… 2 years? 6 months? I couldn’t even guess.) But instead of paying attention during the hour or so that the therapist was there, Josh returned emails, took calls, and fought with his wife about it. “These are time-sensitive things!” he yelled, like that’s an actual justification.

Let me be clear here, because I’m not a parent, and I don’t want to come off like I’m judging him for nothing. This was not the case of a parent going on his phone for a bit while sitting on a bench at the park and generally keeping an eye on his kid. This is a dude whose small child is struggling very hard to overcome physical challenges, and he couldn’t give two shits about being there to support her. I mean, really, if it’s in an email, how time-sensitive could it be? It couldn’t wait an hour?

And the worst part is, his daughter can totally tell there’s animosity over her, and is absorbing all the energy of her father ignoring her and her parents fighting, and when she grows up she’ll get to watch this lovely footage of him returning emails while she struggles to walk for the first time. It makes me want to call my Dad. Fuck, guys. I’m sorry. I told you I was having a melancholy week.

Do we even need to get into his gross level of disrespect towards his wife and the important, valuable work she does as the primary caregiver of his children? Yuck yuck yuck. I really hope they get into therapy and learn how to communicate.

"You sit over there, and I'll stand over here, and the wine will share the frame with us-- hold on, let me put some tape down."
“You sit over there, and I’ll stand over here, and the wine will share the frame with us– hold on, let me put down some tape.”

This Weird, Staged Scene Between Ramona & Mario: 7/10 (Unsettling)

Something was up. Why was Ramona working out with a curler in her bangs and a bottle of wine breathing in the corner? Weren’t her bangs just going to get sweaty? Who drinks wine after (during?) working out? (Beer, maybe. But wine? No.) Plus the way she directed the scene– “you sit here, and I’ll stand because I’m like, getting upset.” It was all just so forced. The only thing that felt real to me was when she said Mario was asleep when she came home the night before. Yeah, probably because they weren’t talking.

Ugh, why am I even speculating about this? Housewives recapping is a dirty business.

I know you're wondering: here's his IMDB page.
I know you’re wondering: here’s his IMDB page.

LuAnn Sets Carole Up With an Actor: 4/10 (More awkward than anything else)

I think that Carole maybe kind of liked this guy, and suddenly got self-conscious about being on camera on a first date. She’s been on dates on the show before and seemed fine, but maybe she just didn’t give a shit then. I don’t know. I was more curious about LuAnn’s swagger in that red dress– isn’t she just kind of shimmying into every scene this season? She must be getting laid a lot, with Jacques/Jack or not.

"Here, take these bodega flowers as a token of my... well, just take them."
“Here, take these bodega flowers as a token of my… well, just take them.”

Ramona Apologizes to Kristen Again: 5/10 (Oh, whatever)

Ramona’s second attempt at apologizing to Kristen was still total bullshit, she just toned it down a little this time so it was easier to take. What’s a little creepy about Ramona is that she will frequently admit to apologizing to people just to get them to shut up. That’s fine if it’s Aviva or Kelly Bensimon, but it’s a shitty thing to do with someone reasonable. Kristen saw through it pretty much immediately and then started getting angry all over again, which just made her look crazy. She’s not, but them’s the rules of this game.

I mean... is it strapless? Those sticker things you put on your nips? HOW?
I mean… is it strapless? Those sticker things you put on your nips? HOW?

Kristen Wearing This White Dress Without A Visible Bra: 0/10 (Amazing)

I spent most of this scene wondering where/how her bra was in this dress. She MUST have one on, but she’s obviously not wearing one with straps, and when they showed the back, the exposed parts went too low for her to have a strapless one on. So… HOW? Please write me in the comments if you think you know.

And now we’re at the end of this episode and I can’t believe that was the whole thing. That was TERRIBLE! Other than the hungover yoga, nothing was even funny about it! There was nothing but tense scenes between couples that made me overanalyze everything and get upset. What IS this show lately? Why do we watch it?

Next week: Aviva returns, as does her disgusting father and blinding wallpaper. At least there’s a dog funeral to look forward to! Until then, I’ll be like Kristen’s bra: where is it????

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