It’s hard to talk about the Housewives without talking about manners at some point. The Countess may have written the book, but let’s not mince words: these bishes is rude as hell. And they just keep getting ruder.
Like Sonja’s beloved Dead Dog Millou (as Bravo so tactfully captioned his ashes), this episode broke the mold. We learned how not to behave in a whole bunch of new situations, so that hopefully, we do not repeat their mistakes. Dear God, please let us not repeat their mistakes.
Etiquette Lesson #1: One does not simply tell a 36-year-old model that her career is over.
Even living in New York, I’ve had limited exposure to models, but I thought you were pretty much considered a walking corpse after age 25? Or am I thinking of porn? I might be thinking of porn.
This week, we watched Kristen “audition” to star in a workout video. Can we please retire this phony device where people interview for jobs on reality TV shows? They are never, ever turned down. I don’t think this was the worst career move for Kristen, except that she admitted to hating exercising. Sometimes when I do workout videos I start thinking about how many takes they had to do to get the video right and I just get tired and sit down.
Etiquette Lesson #2: Bring a resume to the job interview you got through Twitter.
Speaking of phony job interviews– Carole had a bunch this episode! She used Ramona’s depressing, windowless office to trot in several would-be assistants and ask them if they knew how to operate a fog machine. But it’s okay, because none of them read her book or even brought a resume, and they’re almost certainly there for the chance to get on TV!
The best part of this scene was that Ramona just shook her head and laughed throughout it, which was exactly right. I thank my lucky stars that no footage exists of me interviewing when I was the age of these applicants. I wore nude pantyhose and actually admitted to my real aspirations in life. New graduates, learn from these mistakes.
Etiquette Lesson #3: If you’re going to propose with a ring, maybe take it out of the shopping bag?
So, Aviva is back on the show now, having atoned for her sins with Bravo somehow. Yippee. Even better, disgusting George is back on the show. I don’t care that he’s old as fuck: this man rubbed his erect penis on Sonja when he was at an event with his daughter. That would get you arrested on the subway! He’s constantly sexually harassing the women on this show and the fact that he keeps appearing as some sort of “comic relief” just highlights the misogyny lurking beneath the surface of Bravo. I don’t care if I sound unhinged: I’ve fucking had it this week with women being treated like shit.
I mean, good grief, I’ve gotten Christmas gifts from employers that were presented with more romance than that ring. Maybe he’s too old to get down on one knee without toppling over, but when he tossed that bag at her I assumed it was going to be lingerie or some other attempt at shock value. Instead he’s asking a twenty-five year-old to hitch her wagon to a pervy octogenarian with waxed balls. I hope this woman is in it for the money. George makes Hugh Hefner seem like a class act.
Etiquette Lesson #4: Just shut the fuck up, Josh! Shut up!
I told you: I’ve fucking had it! This is what’s wrong with Josh:
1. He complains that Kristen doesn’t work and could never understand why he doesn’t respect her time.
2. When she is trying to work, he hovers around and makes fun of her and makes her as self-conscious as possible.
3. He calls her fat and lazy.
4. As Kristen points out, he couldn’t be bothered to get off of his phone for his 17 month-old daughter’s physical therapy, but he has nothing to do but hang around when his wife is trying to work.
I was hoping for counseling but now I’m thinking: bye, Josh. Go undermine someone else who’s not the mother of your children.
(But also: what’s the deal with this video? I thought Kristen was going to be one of many fitness models, but now this looks like it’s just her in the video, but she’s not supposed to talk? Is this a Housewives workout video or isn’t it?)
Etiquette Lesson #5: Wear black to a dog funeral.
Much was said about how ridiculous and over-the-top it was of Sonja to have a funeral for her Dead Dog Millou, and if I had never felt a connection to an animal before, I might agree. However, I am typing this on my bed next to a little balled up black and white cat who spends much of her day following me from room to room, chirping spiritedly. When this cat leaves me, approximately forty-five years from now, I will need some kind of closure.
Besides, not to be gauche, but didn’t this look… well, super fun? Everyone got to wear their stylish mourning best without worrying about being too flamboyant, and it was sad, but not “human death” sad. I’ve never been the biggest Harry fan, but I thought it was sweet of him to show up for this event– until he started groaning and “oh, brother”-ing it. You showed up to the filming of a dog funeral, dude! I’m sorry, you expected it to be understated and modest?
There’s just one thing left to comment on in this episode…
Etiquette [Question] #6: Do we cheer when ashes are released?
It seems a bit… exuberant, no?
Next week: the ladies visit the tourist trap the Museum of Sex, Carole loses some money at the track, and George is finally incarcerated for indecent exposure (okay, no, but a girl can dream). Until next week, I’ll be like Marley: it’s not about me.