I know, I know, I missed recapping last week’s episode. In my defense, I was doing very important research at the Vassar College reunion weekend, where my class (2009) and Aviva Drescher’s (1994) were convening on campus. Sadly, I did not spot her, even as I was being turned away from the class of 1994’s bar and asked to leave their much nicer reception, but reader, know that I was always thinking of you. And of free booze. Okay, mostly the free booze.
Last week’s episode was boring as fuck though, no? A facialist who reads too many gossip blogs, Sideboob Sonja’s victory lap, Aviva attempting to sexually link a pageant queen to her octogenarian father… SNOOZE.
We learn so much from these Housewives, don’t we? I mean, we mostly learn what NOT to do, but still, that’s useful information. This week, let’s talk about the Do’s and Don’ts they brought to the table as 5 out of 6 Housewives (plus the freelance Housewife) embarked on a Montana adventure.
DON’T get waxed for your vacation in rural Montana.
The main conceit of this whole episode was that Kristen organized a trip for all the ladies to a dude ranch in Montana. Why Montana? Why Kristen? It’s unfortunate, but doesn’t it feel like Kristen is still auditioning to be a Housewife? I can’t put my finger on why, but it almost seems inappropriate for her to be organizing a trip. Maybe it’s because Ramona so clearly hates her? Or is it because Bravo couldn’t care less about her getting HIT IN THE FACE WITH A GLASS?
The episode opens with Kristen and Carole getting waxed in preparation to visit one of the least populated states in the country. Carole says she gets a bikini wax every three weeks “religiously.” First of all, let’s not bring religion into this. Secondly, if I’m 50 years old and still give a flying fuck what my pubes look like, please have a come-to-Jesus talk with me (ugh, now religion’s in my snatch). Carole has an Emmy and a Peabody and fucked George Clooney and she’s still spending time and money on this? Dude, whatever. Like that Frozen song everyone’s kids are torturing them with, Let It Go.
I was also fascinated when Kristen said she was getting “some other things done” at the waxing salon. That means the butthole, right? It has to be the butthole. Girl’s blonde. What else could it be?
DON’T invite your high-maintenance friends on vacation.
God, Ramona is a miserable person. She has such a narrow-minded idea of fun. If she’s not drinking and dancing in a luxury environment where she can see and be seen by people more rich and famous than her, she doesn’t want to do it. I’m with HollaHeather: this trip sounds amazing! You get to see a naturally gorgeous place where few people ever get to go, hang out with animals and ranchers, breathe in fresh mountain air, drink Huckleberry Hound juice on a horse-drawn wagon… what’s not to like? I love cities, but I also love tiny towns in the middle of nowhere. That’s where the really WEIRD shit is!
But no, if it’s not a five-star resort, Ramona can’t have fun there, because she’s too busy letting everyone else know that she’s above it. The fact that she went on this trip at all is a big sign that Bravo was cracking the whip pretty hard this season, contract-wise.
DON’T support racist cowboy shoe salesmen.
Man, we were so close to not enforcing a stereotype about ignorant country folk, weren’t we? Then this guy had to drop a ch*nk-bomb for no reason. What he said didn’t even make any sense! Dude compared short chaps to an entire race of people. Is “shortness” even really an Asian stereotype? Ugh, don’t answer that, please. I feel dirty enough already just recapping this show each week.
DO: that dress, girl!
DON’T make up excuses to get out of going on vacation.
It really doesn’t matter to me whether or not Aviva actually has asthma. The point is that SHE DIDN’T NEED A NEW EXCUSE TO AVOID THIS TRIP. She already did a great job last season of letting everyone know about her fear of flying and her crazy, lashing-out behavior. Why did she need to pretend like suddenly all of her anxiety issues were gone, but asthma was taking her down? I’m with Kristen on this one, although she perhaps pushed the issue a bit too hard considering she was dealing with an unreasonable person.
How hilarious was it when Aviva took an inhaler puff to prove she had asthma? “If I didn’t have asthma, then I couldn’t take asthma medicine, right?” No, sweetie, that’s not how that works. I didn’t have ADD in college, but that never stopped me from taking Adderall during finals weeks. (Actually, strike that from the record.)
DON’T abandon your children to go party in the Hamptons, you douchebag.
Every time you think that Josh might be okay, he says something that makes you mad at yourself for giving him the benefit of the doubt. At first he and Kristen were having a cute, teasing conversation about how he’d take care of the kids while she was in Montana. Then you find out that he’s not actually taking care of them, he’s dropping them off at her parents’ house before going to party in the Hamptons all weekend. What the fuck is that? Does this man ever take care of his kids? I can see why he wouldn’t want to spend the whole weekend at his in-laws’ place, but ditching his children because it’s the last Hamptons weekend of the summer? You’re a father, not a 25-year-old ibanker. Grosssssss.
DO repeat the same two reaction shots from Reid ad nauseum, Bravo.
This scene made me laugh and laugh. I suppose it’s possible that Reid “What’s Your Wi-Fi Password?” Drescher’s face is just this inexpressive, but to me it looked like they didn’t get enough reaction shots from him and had to loop the same two over and over. Hilarious. Also, he clearly couldn’t wait for Aviva to shut up so he could get back to dicking around on his iPad. I think we got a real insight into this relationship.
AVIVA: You don’t think I should go on this trip because of my asthma, do you?
REID: No, I don’t think you should go on this trip because of your asthma.
AVIVA: I mean, my doctors said it could lit’rally kill me, but I really want to appear like I want to go. But I can’t go, right?
REID: No, you can’t go.
AVIVA: Thank you.
REID: What’s the wi-fi password here?
AVIVA: Reid, this is our home.
DO fear being isolated with personality disorders.
Listen, I think rural vacations can be fabulous, but there’s good reason to be concerned about being left alone with Ramona. I know that and you know that.
She’s just been so RUDE to her hosts this season. One of her actual gripes about this trip was “there’s no Ramona Pinot Grigio.” Do you know who wouldn’t have complained about not being able to drink her personal brand? Bethenny. Montana probably would have Skinnygirl, because it’s way more popular, but still, she wouldn’t complain if they didn’t because she’s not a pathological narcissist. And that’s saying something for a woman who had her own talk show named after herself.
DO get back on the horse.
I’m in favor of any activity that involves these women getting on horses. I also burst out laughing when Sonja put her handbag on the ground right in between huge piles of horse shit. It’s going to be hard to Sharpie that out.
DON’T ruin dinner by picking a fight.
I don’t know, man. You’d think LuAnn would know by now that it’s more powerful to laugh off rumors of infidelity. And I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’, there’s been a LOT of them going around when it comes to LuAnn, for quite a while now. The way she bristles at the phrase “open relationship” like it’s something inherently bad is so odd. At any rate, I think we can all agree that Offended LuAnn Mode is one of the least likable LuAnn Modes, second only to “Who Made You God, Alex?” Mode.
And with that, we are firmly in Montana, with no Aviva and nobody around to hear us scream. Next week!: Kristen could die, HollaHeather goes fishing, and we return to the Forrest of Ramotions. Until then, I’ll be like that stuffed beeyah in the Missoula airport: the only one there.