“I Look Like Humpty Dumpty:” The Real Housewives of New York City, Season 6, Episode 16

Me, checking my clock and realizing there were 35 more minutes in this episode.
Me, realizing there were 35 more minutes left in this episode.

I will never forgive Kristen for making me side with Sheryl Sandberg this week. We should #BanBossy. I’m starting to agree with Brian Moylan that this trip to Montana was just designed to bore these Housewives to tears to get them fighting as much as possible. The arguments aren’t even making sense anymore!

A little programming note here: if you haven’t seen the episode, first of all, don’t. There are much better ways to spend 40+ minutes, like drawing a picture of Montana from memory, then crumpling it into a ball. More importantly, I realized recently that my “recaps” don’t actually do that much recapping. It’s more commentary than recap.

We still cool? Let’s go through the episode and see what else we can #ban!

"I think LuAnn's, like, a lesbian for us or something!"
“I think she’s, like, a lesbian for us or something.”

#BanShe’sJustJealous. Accusing someone of being jealous of you only makes you look bad. You know that, right? No, I’m serious. Ugh, why are you being so weird lately? Is it ’cause you’re like, jealous of me or something?

LuAnn isn’t jealous of Ramona and Sonja, she just sees the unhealthy dynamic there. When Ramona isn’t around, Sonja and LuAnn actually seem like genuine friends. But when Ramona’s in the picture, Sonja’s glued to her side like Mr. Smithers. Also, check out Ramona’s awesome Mom-visor.

Say what you will about Sporty Spice, but she knew how to keep her hair up.
Say what you will about Sporty Spice, she knew how to keep her hair up.

#BanExtensions. It’s 2014. Even Kim Kardashian is toning it down with the fake hair. Also: you’re in Montana. I hope the buffalo are turned on.

"How d-d-dare you?"
“How d-d-dare you?”

#BanPeopleAreSaying. I can’t believe we’re still talking about Sonja’s Facialist, The Superfan. I don’t even remember what she said at this point, but it definitely came from one of the following sources: a) stories cast members planted on Radar Online, b) Housewives blogs, or more likely c) Sonja herself. Acting like all of New York is buzzing with gossip about LuAnn de Lesseps’s sex life is hilarious. They know that actual celebrities exist, right?

I found it very suspicious that someone canceled the ladies’ dinner reservation. It just reeks of producer manipulation. You know they’re desperate for something to do when Ramona gets excited to visit downtown Missoula. And doesn’t the conceit that Kristen planned this trip still feel very thin? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit to you: Montana.

MONTANA.

Thank God HollaHeather brings it every week in the fashion risk-taking department. Without her and Carole, the clothes on this show could put you in a coma.

dinnerfight
Just two dear friends bidding each other bon nuit.

#BanLieDownWithPigs. I don’t think that Sonja was calling LuAnn a pig. I think that this was just one of those times when Sonja got a little tipsy and a little heated and started misusing idioms. Hey, let’s not make a mountain out of a holemill.

The Baby-Sitters Club Super Special #25: Baby-sitters, Grab Your Guns!
The Baby-Sitters Club Super Special #25: Baby-sitters, Grab Your Guns!

#BanKissingCousins. Good for Paul for standing up for Montana and calling out an ugly stereotype. It’s too bad that it went right over Sonja’s head. Additionally, has there been a contractor on this show that Sonja didn’t say was “pretty hot?”

Fuck this. Not worth it.
Fuck this. Not worth it.

#BanProvingItToYourself. I don’t know, you guys. HollaHeather sure seems annoyingly competitive when it comes to being outdoorsy (go work at a team-building ropes course already, am I right?), but I don’t understand why Kristen needed to go rappelling, either. IT’S OKAY TO HATE THIS KIND OF STUFF. It’s okay to not enjoy climbing down a mountain or even really feel fulfilled at the bottom of it. You can drive down most mountains nowadays, anyways.

A camp counselor and a CIT.
A camp counselor and her teenaged charge.

#BanBoring. Geocaching sounds cool, maybe? It sounds like it could be fun if you made it an all-day thing and were with a bunch of people who got really into it. That was not the case here. Instead, it was the last outdoors thing in the fading light of a long day of outdoors things. Don’t forget, they had a spa/nature walk morning, a rappelling/gun-shooting afternoon, and a boozy lunch before this activity that involved lots of hiking and use of a GPS. I’d be like, “Can we just sit down already?”

It was kind of fun to see HollaHeather acting like Ramona by getting drunk and blowing off something boring to her. When she brought Ramona a walking stick and said, “Here, you dirty bitch, it even has a handle,” and Ramona said quietly, “Oh, that’s very nice, actually,” I laughed so hard I woke up my cat. Kristen should’ve let these floozies wander back to the Beaver Cabin. It’s not like they were going to be a lot of help in an activity that involved a compass, anyway. But nooo, Kristen had to invoke the b-word (bossy), and stormed off, as a Housewife is required to do at the end of every episode.

Next week: Kristen and Heather continue their fight over dinner, Ramona throws a sharp object at something other than Kristen’s face, and we still don’t have to see Aviva at all!!! Until then, I’ll be like those cattle: god willing, too far away to get shot.

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