I’m baaack! I’m sorry I had to abandon you for the last two episodes, but I’ll be honest: they put me into a deep slumber for two weeks and I’m only just waking up. What’s happening? Who am I? Who are all of these people pretending to be friends?
It’s hard to believe that we’re closing in on the end of this season and yet so little has happened. It’s been an odd, disjointed season, no? It got off to such a great start with the authentic batshit crazy of #BookGate but it feels like it’s been struggling to pick up momentum ever since. And we’ve barely even seen Heather.
Carole’s 50th birthday party was brilliant. It was the perfect parody of a Housewives party, which is not that easy to do, apparently. (I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’– you have a cast of amazing female comedians and you can’t pull it out? It must be harder than it looks.)
Like Carole’s party, this episode had everything: Puppy shopping with Harry! A sympathetic Aviva moment! A gay psychic! Low impact couples therapy! An eighteen year-old girl with more shoes than I’ve owned in my entire life! THIS is why we watch, people.
And then there was Harry Doobin’. Please don’t get nauseated, but I gotta be real: I can see how all these women fall for him. He can come off so sweet sometimes, and he really seems to love Sonja as she is. (Of course, being surrounded by puppies helps anyone’s image.) Plus you know he has to be, like, expert level in cunnilingus. He just HAS to.
But then he always ruins the good will he creates by being a shady poonhound jerkass. I can’t stand those guys. You know them. They’re kinda short and/or not that good-looking so they come off non-threatening and that is how they score All The Pussy and are secretly even worse than the good-looking guys because you don’t see it coming.
I’m gonna say this, and straight men, pay attention (LOL, like straight men read my recaps): You just do not give a woman a ring if you’re not proposing. It’s simply too loaded of a gesture. You don’t fuck with someone like that.
You certainly do not give someone a ring produced from thin air, without a box or anything, just holding it between your thumb and forefinger like a quarter you plucked from their ear. You ABSOLUTELY do not give someone a ring and then say you are committing to them, “but this is not an engagement ring.” That is SICK and TWISTED and MEAN.
Look, it seemed clear to me and the rest of the English-speaking world that Harry was pretty drunk at that point. For all I know, he might’ve stolen that ring off of one of the other guests. (Okay, I guess I just can’t get over the fact that it wasn’t in a box. A rock that size?? Hanging out in your pocket??? It’s giving me such anxiety.)
Being drunk, however, is no excuse for making various non-legal gestures of commitment towards someone (dog! ungagement ring!), then going to hit on and possibly leave with their much taller friend. Although to be frank, I’m very suspicious about the way that LuAnn/Harry scene played out. It felt rushed, didn’t it? Harry was stinking drunk. If what they were up to was really so shady, wouldn’t there have been tons more footage of it? When drunk people put the moves on former models, they are usually not quiet or subtle about it. In my experience.
We’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we? Next week, it’s finally the finale! The Countess may or may not join the cast of Doin’ Dubin, Bravo’s latest spin-off, and we finally find out the context of Aviva’s detached leg on the floor! Until then, I’ll be like that ring: disappearing into Sonja’s bag indefinitely.