And so it all ends here.
What was this season? Was it the worst Housewives season ever? The fakest? The dullest? The death knell for the entire Housewives empire?
As a finale, this one fell pretty flat for me. And that’s saying something considering someone threw her fake leg across the room. Even that gesture rang hollow to me. (I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.)
Everyone was mad at Aviva because… why? Because she didn’t go on vacation with them, even though none of them could stand her to begin with? It just didn’t make any sense. Who cares if the bitch’s asthma was real? This has to rank up there with did-Lisa-put-the-magazines-in-Brandi’s-suitcase in the Hall of Lame Housewives Fights.
I do enjoy how Aviva always comes prepared with props for her erratic outbursts. However, nothing’s going to top her whipping the galley of Carole’s book out of her bag on the beach, and unfortunately, this season shot its wad too soon.
Let’s look at what we’re left with, in the wake of it all:
The Countess: is still not an official Housewife, yet has to suffer accusations from gay Christian mystics anyway.
Sonja: is no longer in financial trouble, according to Sonja. (By the way, I re-watched season 3 recently, and you guys have got to go back and see what her house looked like when they first introduced her. I can’t believe how clean it was back then.)
Ramona: has an outdated “wrap-up” card at the end of the finale that says she’s working things out with Mario. 😦 😦 😦
Kristen: feels like she actually made progress with her husband after he cast her in an ad for his business so that he wouldn’t have to pay a model. This sent me into a depressive episode.
Carole: has a desk in her kitchen now.
HollaHeather: has a new purse.
Oh, you guys. I might be done. I might really, really be done this time.
It’s not that this show is so fake, because it was always fake. It’s not that they’re too nasty to each other– they were always nasty. I don’t know, it just feels like the bottom fell out somehow.
We need more scenes of Carole and Heather drinking tequila and eating pizza. We need more Heather. We need more interesting parties, like something with a goddamn theme we can understand for once. We need better vacations. We need less George. We need more interesting storylines than “my daughter is leaving for college” and “I’m remodeling my apartment.” We need people who are willing to be truly vulnerable and open on camera. We need significant others who will stir the shit in an authentic way. We need better jewelry. We need more women of color and lesbians. We need fewer models. I like Kristen, but we need fewer models.
I suppose I’ll watch the reunions, because I always do, but I won’t enjoy them. Nobody enjoys them. Not us, not the Housewives, not even Andy Cohen. It’s something you do joylessly because it’s there, like finishing an entire bag of potato chips.
It’s been a pleasure watching this season with you.