I have so many new Reductress posts to share with you this week! I’m exhausted. Enjoy:

“Jeremy better buckle the fuck up, because I’m not playing around this autumn. If he thinks he’s going to make it to November without painting miniature pumpkins and gourds, he is one sorely mistaken motherfucker.”
– No Way In Hell is My Boyfriend Getting Out Of Apple Picking This Year

“All moms face the same headaches on holiday getaways—the long car rides full of fighting, the hassle to get everyone settled at the motel, the creak of the floorboards as you slip out in the night.”
– I Needed a Vacation From My Vacation! So I Abandoned My Family Forever.

“Say, ‘I just want one bite.’ Who can argue with that? It’s not like you’re some big dessert person who’s going to wolf down the whole thing. You just want a taste. You can stop anytime you want. Dessert people can’t stop; that’s the difference.”
– How To Let The Waitress Know That You Aren’t Normally A Dessert Person, But Everything Just Looks So Good Here

“Florals and groovy prints are popping up all over the place! Blouses, dresses, and even coats all seem a little bit funkier now that the ‘60s have returned. What do they want from us? Weren’t the ‘90s enough for them? Will it EVER be enough for them?”
– The ‘60s Are Back! Why Won’t They Just Leave Us Alone?