Bridesmaid Dishonorably Discharged


This is a piece I originally read at the May 19, 2015 Animal Farm Reading Series in Brooklyn, NY.

In the wedding of Brianna Clark v. Jason Montessori, it was determined late Sunday night that bridesmaid Jane Woods, the bride’s former college roommate, would be permanently removed from the wedding party effective immediately. The bridesmaid’s dishonorable discharge was determined by Ms. Clark and her panel of trusted advisors, including her sister, hair colorist, and the forums of

Miss Woods was dismissed for being uncooperative, unenthusiastic, and per Ms. Clark, “doesn’t even seem to care about other people’s weddings that much.”

“Weddings bring out people’s true colors, and my colors are painting a photorealistic portrait where Jane and I aren’t friends anymore,” said the bride. “It’s like Cynthia said about NeNe in season 6 of Real Housewives of Atlanta: ‘Sometimes you just come to the end of the road with people.’”

The decision was announced via Facebook message, and was uncontested by Miss Woods, who simply replied, “OK, thanks for letting me know smileyface with sunglasses.”

“I mean, you only get married once, probably,” said Ms. Clark. “I don’t care if I’m boring you to tears with my 18th call of the day about the custom lace trim on my dress. A real friend would’ve said, ‘You know what? Matching modern lace samples to antique silk IS really hard,’ not ‘Brianna, it’s four a.m., and I have to work tomorrow.’ Or whatever.”

Miss Woods’s offenses cited in the final verdict include:

– Showing up late and hungover for several of the mandatory bridesmaid planning brunches

– Barely contributing on email and text chains, and saying “lol” at things that weren’t jokes, like a discussion about whether lilac and lavender are actually the same color

– Asking out loud, “Why don’t more people elope?”

– Complaining that passed appetizers were a bad choice for the reception, because the servers’ “shaming eyes” keep you from getting enough food

– Saying, “Strapless and floor-length? Wow” when she saw the bridesmaid dresses for the first time. Witnesses attest it wasn’t what she said, it was the TONE she said it in.

– Just saying, “what” over and over when the bridesmaids talked to her about chipping in for couples’ horseback massages on Brianna’s Honeyfund

– Having no opinion about the save the dates

– Having no opinion about the place settings

– Having no opinion about the centerpieces

– Having too many opinions about the cake

– Only really being there for Brianna when her or Jason’s families were stressing her out and she needed someone to make her laugh and forget about everything

Public opinion regarding the decision has been mixed. Miss Kimberly Clark, the bride’s sister and maid of honor, agreed with the judgment, which was announced six weeks before the wedding is to take place. “Jane didn’t take the duties of being a bridesmaid seriously enough,” said Miss Clark. “Yes, it’s a lot of work, but you put on your big girl panties and suck it up. Has Brianna made me cry? Yes. Does she lash out verbally at her bridesmaids? Sure. Has wedding planning turned her into a monster I find unrecognizable from the sister I grew up with? Probably. Is she Satan himself, king of the underworld, reborn on Earth with a dozen Pinterest boards full of expectations? Perhaps. But would I ever question her behavior? Not in a million years. It’s her right as a bride to be a bitch, and Jane should’ve respected that as a woman.”

Ms. Evonne Tate, a fellow bridesmaid and former classmate of Jane’s, felt conflicted about the verdict. “I know it’s Brianna’s right, but that doesn’t make it okay,” Ms. Tate said. “She knew how Jane felt about all that bridesmaid stuff. On the other hand, Jane could’ve just dealt with it. For as it says in the bridesmaid code of honor, ‘Thou shalt putteth on thine big girl panties and sucketh up what thine bride hath wrought.’”

When reached for comment, Miss Woods had accepted the decision. “I know I was a shitty bridesmaid. It’s kind of a relief, to be honest,” she said. “It’s pretty clear that we’ve been growing apart these past few years. I’m just glad it happened before the bachelorette weekend. I’m going to save like three grand.”

When asked if she regretted not putting on her big girl panties and sucking it up, Miss Woods made a noise of disgust and hung up the phone.

Miss Woods is still invited to the wedding, although an updated seating chart has her sitting all the way in the back with Jason’s weird cousins from Arizona. Woods has yet to confirm whether she will attend, and if she will be choosing the chicken or steak option.


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