Originally posted on Medium.
What’s up, Facebook friend! I know it’s been a long time since we’ve spoken in person, or even “Liked” each other’s new profile pics, but I want you to know that I cherish our memories together. (Although, I can’t quite place you, to be honest. Were you the girl who started dating the football coach like a month after we graduated?)
I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve been disarmingly quiet about politics on social media this election cycle. Or rather, I’ve been non-committally liberal — I’ve “Liked” both a video of Bernie hugging a bird and a picture of Hillary Clinton texting a pair of sunglasses. “Wow, how mysterious!” you probably thought. “Who supports both Democratic candidates? Her heart and her head must be in constant battle, like a Selena Gomez song! When will she pick a side?”
The truth is, I do know who I’m voting for, but I’ve been waiting to announce it because I wanted to do it in the most awesome, most SEO-friendly way possible! Today, I’ll be hosting a Candidate Reveal Party to let all my social media channels know who’s got my vote, and you’re invited! Am I #Burning4Her, or am I #WithHim? I hope you can come, or at least bump up the numbers on my Periscope feed!
It’s going to be so fun! Guests will get to guess which candidate is my pick, wearing buttons with blue flames on them for Bernie, or red power suits for Hillary. We’ll take a tally of everyone’s “vote” on a donkey coated with chalkboard paint (so cute, right?). At the time of the reveal, all the guests will bite into colored cake pops while silly string, confetti, and smoke bombs will be thrown at me, revealing either Bernie Blue or Hillary Red. It’s going to be epic! I don’t mean to brag, but I was once #8 on Pinterest’s list of pinners “Most Likely to Have a Bedroom Wall Covered in Newspaper Clippings Connected By String.” You know I bringz the D to the I to the Y!
I can’t wait for you to find out who I’m voting for, a choice I’m sure you’ll support! And I also can’t wait for you to upload photos of the big moment on your social channels with the hashtag #HalliePicks2016. After all, I can’t do this without your help! This is such a big moment for America, and such a big moment for my online presence. Let’s give it the attention I deserve!
Once my chosen candidate’s gender has been revealed, that’s when the fun will really begin! I’ll also be throwing myself a “campaign shower” to raise money for my candidate, and “shower” myself in election swag! I’ve already set up registries at the Bernie Sanders boutique and Hillary Clinton closet. Come celebrate, and help set up me and my candidate for the beginning of our beautiful lives together! (Or at least, until they drop out of the race.) Whether you end up bringing a reusable Hillary water bottle or a bedazzled Bernie clutch, you can rest assured that it will be put to good use on my Instagram account for months to come. You can feel great about contributing to something bigger than yourself!
We’ll play shower games like “Guess the VP’s Name” and “Which Of These Old Wives’ Tales About the Democratic Party Are True?” and “What’s In Your Purse?” (My mom suggested that one!) Winners will get a ticket to my election night party in my apartment, an estimated $75 value! (We’re going to have the fancy cheese from Trader Joe’s.) Oh, and one more thing:
One small request that I hope isn’t funny,
You’re welcome to give me a card full of money!
Whether Cat in the Hat or Winnie the Pooh,
Pretend friends are special — just like me and you!
Hope to see you there! Oh, and if you could wear a nametag with your name and how I know you, that would really help me out. It’s so hard to keep track of Facebook friends, especially when I’ve muted so many during this election. Anyway, much love, hope Coach Perkins is doing great!