44 Totally Unfuckable Presidents

This piece was originally published on Medium.

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I’m getting married in a couple weeks, and as a part of my journey to find love, I’ve been doing a lot of self-questioning. It’s recently come to my attention that there is yet to be a fuckable President of the United States. I would not fuck them in the White House. I would not fuck them in a blue blouse. I would not fuck a silver fox. I would not let them in my box.

Here’s a list of my sexual opinions:

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1. George Washington — While I respect the hell out of his #childfree lifestyle, I do have to wonder if everything was working alright down there. He never managed to knock Martha up, and it’s not like that bitch was on the pill.

2. John Adams — This guy just doesn’t “get it” when it comes to women. Have you read Abigail’s letters begging him to think about women’s rights when he was about to FORM AN ENTIRE NEW GOVERNMENT, and his condescending, mansplaining replies? I’m getting a rage headache just thinking about them. He defff couldn’t find the clit.

3. Thomas Jefferson — HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Let’s not even start with this tire fire.

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4. James Madison — Straight-up looks like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets. Plus he has a weird, heart-shaped hairline. Frankly, I’d rather fuck the Muppet.

5. James Monroe — He’s the reason we have Florida. NEXT!

6. John Quincy Adams — Not into dudes whose whole life plans are so clearly centered around gaining their fathers’ approval. Take those Daddy issues to the track!

Continue reading “44 Totally Unfuckable Presidents”

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10 Ways I Will Be Murdered (The Establishment)

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6. Using the bathroom at a quiet rest stop. ​Honestly, what was I thinking? Why don’t I just drag myself into the woods? I’ll end up chained up in a remote cabin, where an inbred family of cannibals will take turns making fun of my blog’s Google Analytics.

10 Ways I Will Be Murdered (The Establishment)

Check out my latest fun and fancy free piece for The Establishment!! Thank you Katie Tandy for these amazing illustrations.

10 Non-Braggy Self-Promotional Tweets for Female Writers

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One of the most important parts of being a writer these days is promoting your work on social media. However, if you’re a woman, there’s a fine line between being proud of your work and coming off like some braggy, uppity bitch who really thinks she’s all that. Here are some simple ways to apologize for promote your writing!

  1. “So this happened: I guess I wrote a thinger???”
  2. “You can read my dumb words written by my dumb hands and thought up by my dumb brain here, but don’t. Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
  3. “Idk I guess I put some letters together and made words that added up to complete sentences, and eventually, paragraphs?? Weird.”
  4. “Whoopsies, looks like I accidentally wrote an entire peer-reviewed article! :(”
  5. “So embarrassing that I was interviewed for this profile on living geniuses in [national magazine]. Mortified.”
  6. “Ew, just found out that something I wrote won an award. Gross. Sorry.”
  7. “Sorry. Sorry, sorry. Sorry! Sorry.”
  8. “I was featured in [publication’s] 30 Under 30, much to my chagrin. Hate people knowing my age!”
  9. “Honestly, I hate self-promotion, and I’m so sorry for this link I’m about to share. May God have mercy on my soul.”
  10. “Baby make boom-boom! [links to Nobel Prize for Literature announcement]”