New York vs. Los Angeles

I have lived in Los Angeles for three years now, and lived in New York for five (and within an hour of the city for 23 years before that). However, I wrote a list comparing the two cities after only spending four days in Los Angeles on my first visit here, and I gotta say, I pretty much nailed it. (This was previously published in Weird Personal Emails, and lives on in the book.)

Here it is, because no one has ever compared these two cities before:

 

LOS ANGELES

NEW YORK CITY

  • Scientology

  • A guy on a skateboard being pulled around by his pitbull

  • Hills

  • Working out

  • Medical marijuana

  • Having to make small talk with your Lyft driver

  • Burritos

  • Sushi

  • Burgers

  • Avocado on everything

  • People pushing pugs in baby strollers

  • Smog

  • Sitting in traffic

  • Palm trees

  • California Don Draper

  • Hasidic Jews

  • A guy on a unicycle walking his (embarrassed) dog

  • Bridges

  • Cigarettes

  • Delivery service

  • Having to trick your cab into taking you to Brooklyn

  • Pizza

  • Chinese food

  • Bagels

  • Bacon on everything

  • People pushing pugs in baby strollers

  • Garbage

  • Getting squooshed on the subway

  • Brownstones

  • New York Don Draper

44 Totally Unfuckable Presidents

This piece was originally published on Medium.

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I’m getting married in a couple weeks, and as a part of my journey to find love, I’ve been doing a lot of self-questioning. It’s recently come to my attention that there is yet to be a fuckable President of the United States. I would not fuck them in the White House. I would not fuck them in a blue blouse. I would not fuck a silver fox. I would not let them in my box.

Here’s a list of my sexual opinions:

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1. George Washington — While I respect the hell out of his #childfree lifestyle, I do have to wonder if everything was working alright down there. He never managed to knock Martha up, and it’s not like that bitch was on the pill.

2. John Adams — This guy just doesn’t “get it” when it comes to women. Have you read Abigail’s letters begging him to think about women’s rights when he was about to FORM AN ENTIRE NEW GOVERNMENT, and his condescending, mansplaining replies? I’m getting a rage headache just thinking about them. He defff couldn’t find the clit.

3. Thomas Jefferson — HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Let’s not even start with this tire fire.

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4. James Madison — Straight-up looks like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets. Plus he has a weird, heart-shaped hairline. Frankly, I’d rather fuck the Muppet.

5. James Monroe — He’s the reason we have Florida. NEXT!

6. John Quincy Adams — Not into dudes whose whole life plans are so clearly centered around gaining their fathers’ approval. Take those Daddy issues to the track!

Continue reading “44 Totally Unfuckable Presidents”

10 Ways I Will Be Murdered (The Establishment)

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6. Using the bathroom at a quiet rest stop. ​Honestly, what was I thinking? Why don’t I just drag myself into the woods? I’ll end up chained up in a remote cabin, where an inbred family of cannibals will take turns making fun of my blog’s Google Analytics.

10 Ways I Will Be Murdered (The Establishment)

Check out my latest fun and fancy free piece for The Establishment!! Thank you Katie Tandy for these amazing illustrations.

10 Non-Braggy Self-Promotional Tweets for Female Writers

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One of the most important parts of being a writer these days is promoting your work on social media. However, if you’re a woman, there’s a fine line between being proud of your work and coming off like some braggy, uppity bitch who really thinks she’s all that. Here are some simple ways to apologize for promote your writing!

  1. “So this happened: I guess I wrote a thinger???”
  2. “You can read my dumb words written by my dumb hands and thought up by my dumb brain here, but don’t. Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
  3. “Idk I guess I put some letters together and made words that added up to complete sentences, and eventually, paragraphs?? Weird.”
  4. “Whoopsies, looks like I accidentally wrote an entire peer-reviewed article! :(”
  5. “So embarrassing that I was interviewed for this profile on living geniuses in [national magazine]. Mortified.”
  6. “Ew, just found out that something I wrote won an award. Gross. Sorry.”
  7. “Sorry. Sorry, sorry. Sorry! Sorry.”
  8. “I was featured in [publication’s] 30 Under 30, much to my chagrin. Hate people knowing my age!”
  9. “Honestly, I hate self-promotion, and I’m so sorry for this link I’m about to share. May God have mercy on my soul.”
  10. “Baby make boom-boom! [links to Nobel Prize for Literature announcement]”

Things That Are Wrong

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1. Jim Gordon’s apartment in Gotham. Goddamnit, he’s a rookie cop. What is he doing living in the DUMBO Clock Tower? I always thought the comics’ portrayal of his simple family life in the suburbs was one of its strengths. Now Barbara owns an art gallery or something? What the fuck? TV execs, stop being so uncomfortable with the middle class! I bet the people responsible for this decision were also in favor of Meryl Streep’s character renovating her perfect, enormous kitchen in It’s Complicated. “Well, yeah, I mean it only has room to hang every spotless copper pot she owns, plus there’s a restaurant-quality industrial stove. Yuck. Major facelift needed.”

2. Wedding diet contagion. In olden times, only the bride fell prey to the idea that weddings are about being thin. Nowadays, whenever there’s a wedding, everyone on the guest list gets all crazy about needing to lose weight. I’ve seen a groom give up carbs. I’ve seen a best man go on a juice cleanse. I’ve seen an aunt who is merely attending up her Curves attendance by 50%. FUCK THAT SHIT. Stop living vicariously through the bride’s sexism-enforced body dysmorphia! Enjoy the buffet and calm the fuck down. You can’t even see your body in those photo booth pictures.

3. When you have to try six times to come up with a “secure” enough password for something like Goodreads. I’m not really that concerned about someone hacking in and… what, changing my Favorites to be all Dilbert collections? Nah, I’m good. Maybe my password doesn’t need uppercase letters, lowercase letters, a number, a special character, a webding, AND an emoji?

4. When ads in the subway unsuccessfully pander to New Yorkers. You see this all the time. Advertisers try to be down with real New Yorkers, but they end up representing a New York experience that only tourists have. For example, there’s an ad for a detergent that can even get out the mustard from “that hot dog you had on the street.” Um, you guys know we call them Dirty Water Dogs, right?  #1, Don’t patronize me, #2, Who are the people who write these ads? Are they based in Atlanta or something? Or are the ads for tourists? “Hey there Johnny New Yorker (*wink*), what do you say we go to the top of the Empire State Building, eat a giant pretzel, and pay our respects at Ground Zero, just like real New Yorkers do every single day? Oh, and be sure to pick up some Tide on the taxi ride home!”