Weird Personal Email #34: Bumbling towards the Willennium

Every week or so, I send out a Weird Personal Email to subscribers with updates about what I’m working on, pop culture commentary, feminist rants, jokes, confessions, rambling stories about strange social interactions, and sometimes, playlists. Here is one of those emails. You can subscribe here, if you’d like.

bumblehungry

Hey there, ya loony llamas!

I hope you guys are good! It’s still cold as fuck here, and I feel like Bumble. It’s time for another Weird Personal Email!!!

I’ve been working my way through back episodes of The Read, and I don’t know that there’s a funnier podcast out there right now. Even the way they say “what?” can make me laugh. Plus, podcasting is super white and straight, and the hosts of The Read are neither, and they’re the only reason why I’m able to understand the intricacies of the Amber Rose/Tyga feud, which is super important.

bumblescary

Continue reading “Weird Personal Email #34: Bumbling towards the Willennium”

Things That Are Wrong

gordon-apartment1

1. Jim Gordon’s apartment in Gotham. Goddamnit, he’s a rookie cop. What is he doing living in the DUMBO Clock Tower? I always thought the comics’ portrayal of his simple family life in the suburbs was one of its strengths. Now Barbara owns an art gallery or something? What the fuck? TV execs, stop being so uncomfortable with the middle class! I bet the people responsible for this decision were also in favor of Meryl Streep’s character renovating her perfect, enormous kitchen in It’s Complicated. “Well, yeah, I mean it only has room to hang every spotless copper pot she owns, plus there’s a restaurant-quality industrial stove. Yuck. Major facelift needed.”

2. Wedding diet contagion. In olden times, only the bride fell prey to the idea that weddings are about being thin. Nowadays, whenever there’s a wedding, everyone on the guest list gets all crazy about needing to lose weight. I’ve seen a groom give up carbs. I’ve seen a best man go on a juice cleanse. I’ve seen an aunt who is merely attending up her Curves attendance by 50%. FUCK THAT SHIT. Stop living vicariously through the bride’s sexism-enforced body dysmorphia! Enjoy the buffet and calm the fuck down. You can’t even see your body in those photo booth pictures.

3. When you have to try six times to come up with a “secure” enough password for something like Goodreads. I’m not really that concerned about someone hacking in and… what, changing my Favorites to be all Dilbert collections? Nah, I’m good. Maybe my password doesn’t need uppercase letters, lowercase letters, a number, a special character, a webding, AND an emoji?

4. When ads in the subway unsuccessfully pander to New Yorkers. You see this all the time. Advertisers try to be down with real New Yorkers, but they end up representing a New York experience that only tourists have. For example, there’s an ad for a detergent that can even get out the mustard from “that hot dog you had on the street.” Um, you guys know we call them Dirty Water Dogs, right?  #1, Don’t patronize me, #2, Who are the people who write these ads? Are they based in Atlanta or something? Or are the ads for tourists? “Hey there Johnny New Yorker (*wink*), what do you say we go to the top of the Empire State Building, eat a giant pretzel, and pay our respects at Ground Zero, just like real New Yorkers do every single day? Oh, and be sure to pick up some Tide on the taxi ride home!”

Please Stop Comparing Everything On TV to The Wire

michaelk

People, I love you, but you have got to stop comparing everything on TV to The Wire.

Here are some things otherwise wonderful people say every day:

Breaking Bad was good, but I still think The Wire was better.”

Homeland definitely isn’t as good as The Wire.”

True Detective is so good, it might be better than The Wire…. actually, no, I still think The Wire was better.”

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“What’s Your Passion?” Not Being Asked That Question.

mrrosso

I would never claim to have exemplary social skills. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m an introvert and kind of awkward. But I do think that I’m pretty good at talking to complete strangers at parties. For one thing, I’m genuinely interested in other people. And for another thing, I will never fucking ask you what your passion is.

“What’s your passion?” Oh. My typical response is to sigh heavily, stare far off into the distance, murmur, “Oh… I don’t know” in a deeply disappointed tone, then tell the person what I do for a living.

Here’s why you should never ask someone you’ve just met this question:

Continue reading ““What’s Your Passion?” Not Being Asked That Question.”

Cook’s Irritated: The Case Against Potlucks

jayzbloomberg

If I was never invited to another potluck in my life, that would be great. Potlucks are terrible and I don’t know why this shit continues to be a popular social event. I’ve even heard that people are having potluck weddings now, which is a really cool idea. It’s not enough that I have to drop a hundy on your stupid registry, now I gotta bring a quiche, too?

Here’s why potlucks pot-suck:

Continue reading “Cook’s Irritated: The Case Against Potlucks”