Listen to me talk about The Real Housewives on The Sleeper Hit podcast!

sleeper-hit-podcast

I was a guest on Meryl Williams’s great podcast The Sleeper Hit, where guests talk about what’s underrated in pop culture, over drinks! I talked about Bravo’s The Real Housewives, a/k/a my greatest passion in life. We also talked about the new Harry Potter book, pumpkin spice, and lots of other things. Download it or listen here! Or, you might as well subscribe on iTunes, since you’re going to want to anyway.

“I Think I’m Going To Be Sick:” The Real Housewives of New York City, Season 6, Episode 20

legfloor

And so it all ends here.

What was this season? Was it the worst Housewives season ever? The fakest? The dullest? The death knell for the entire Housewives empire?

As a finale, this one fell pretty flat for me. And that’s saying something considering someone threw her fake leg across the room. Even that gesture rang hollow to me. (I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.)

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“It Feels Good To Cry:” The Real Housewives of New York City, Season 6, Episode 19

I bet Heather was a great bridesmaid.
I bet Heather makes a great bridesmaid.

I’m baaack! I’m sorry I had to abandon you for the last two episodes, but I’ll be honest: they put me into a deep slumber for two weeks and I’m only just waking up. What’s happening? Who am I? Who are all of these people pretending to be friends?

It’s hard to believe that we’re closing in on the end of this season and yet so little has happened. It’s been an odd, disjointed season, no? It got off to such a great start with the authentic batshit crazy of #BookGate but it feels like it’s been struggling to pick up momentum ever since. And we’ve barely even seen Heather.

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“I Look Like Humpty Dumpty:” The Real Housewives of New York City, Season 6, Episode 16

Me, checking my clock and realizing there were 35 more minutes in this episode.
Me, realizing there were 35 more minutes left in this episode.

I will never forgive Kristen for making me side with Sheryl Sandberg this week. We should #BanBossy. I’m starting to agree with Brian Moylan that this trip to Montana was just designed to bore these Housewives to tears to get them fighting as much as possible. The arguments aren’t even making sense anymore!

A little programming note here: if you haven’t seen the episode, first of all, don’t. There are much better ways to spend 40+ minutes, like drawing a picture of Montana from memory, then crumpling it into a ball. More importantly, I realized recently that my “recaps” don’t actually do that much recapping. It’s more commentary than recap.

We still cool? Let’s go through the episode and see what else we can #ban!

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“Lookit that Beeyah:” The Real Housewives of New York City, Season 6, Episode 15

Welcome to Missoula! Population: 3.
Welcome to Missoula! Population: 3.

I know, I know, I missed recapping last week’s episode. In my defense, I was doing very important research at the Vassar College reunion weekend, where my class (2009) and Aviva Drescher’s (1994) were convening on campus. Sadly, I did not spot her, even as I was being turned away from the class of 1994’s bar and asked to leave their much nicer reception, but reader, know that I was always thinking of you. And of free booze. Okay, mostly the free booze.

Last week’s episode was boring as fuck though, no? A facialist who reads too many gossip blogs, Sideboob Sonja’s victory lap, Aviva attempting to sexually link a pageant queen to her octogenarian father… SNOOZE.

We learn so much from these Housewives, don’t we? I mean, we mostly learn what NOT to do, but still, that’s useful information. This week, let’s talk about the Do’s and Don’ts they brought to the table as 5 out of 6 Housewives (plus the freelance Housewife) embarked on a Montana adventure.

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“I Feel Like Elvis On the Toilet:” The Real Housewives of New York City, Season 6, Episode 13

See, Ramona was listening at the facial yoga lesson last year.
See, Ramona was listening at the facial yoga lesson last year.

Did you guys feel it, too? I guess it’s easy to just accept the universe of this show as it is and forget that it was once something different, some place where people didn’t make non-cast members cry, or laugh off women being molested.

I really miss Bethenny, you guys. She had that rare combination of acerbic wit, brutal honesty, and narcissist coping skills from a dysfunctional childhood. Even though she was never actually a housewife, she was the best at being a Housewife. I have to wonder how different the show would be if she were still on it, calling out people’s behavior, and maybe even talking some sense into Andy Cohen behind the scenes.

I’m not about to start writing Bethenny fanfic… Alright, I’m not about to start publishing my Bethenny fanfic. But I am going to continue the challenge of changing my recap format each week. This week, could we take the time to review the episode and see when we missed Bethenny the most, on a scale of 1 to 10? Let’s do that.

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“They Broke the Mold With That Dog:” The Real Housewives of New York City, Season 6, Episode 12

When Ramona is embarrassed, you know it's bad.
When Ramona is embarrassed, you know it’s bad.

It’s hard to talk about the Housewives without talking about manners at some point. The Countess may have written the book, but let’s not mince words: these bishes is rude as hell. And they just keep getting ruder.

Like Sonja’s beloved Dead Dog Millou (as Bravo so tactfully captioned his ashes), this episode broke the mold. We learned how not to behave in a whole bunch of new situations, so that hopefully, we do not repeat their mistakes. Dear God, please let us not repeat their mistakes.

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“I’m Just Trying to Get These Fancy New York Bitches Up in Here Hugging a Few Trees:” The Real Housewives of New York City, Season 6, Episode 10

Clearly, it is preferable to be on camera with this look than with wet hair.
Clearly, it is preferable to be on camera with this look than with wet hair.

My recap for this week is very late, partially due to work stuff, but also because I’m increasingly baffled by this show. Is it just me, or has this season felt somewhat… off? I heard that the premiere was delayed by several months because Bravo felt they didn’t have enough footage, but how is that possible with what we’ve seen so far? There’s been a major fight with serious career consequences, one Housewife in a financial crisis, a non-obnoxious anniversary party, the Coney Island Mermaid Parade, and like five trips to the Hamptons. I’m exhausted.

Even though it was another blessed Aviva-free episode, there was still plenty of bullshit. Let’s count it down…

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“You’re a Real Bitch:” The Real Housewives of New York City, Season 6, Episode 9

From here, it could be a coming-of-age movie directed by David Gordon Green.
From here, it could be a coming-of-age movie directed by David Gordon Green.

Do you hear that? Like a cool country breeze, or Kristen’s rational nature, it could easily be taken for granted. Listen. It’s an odd silence, isn’t it? A sort of… less yelling-ness? That’s the sound of no Aviva.

Even though this episode had plenty of bonkers, narcissistic behavior unbefitting middle-aged women who are somebody’s mothers, for Christ’s sake, it was still strangely relaxing. Kind of like when Ramona went to Africa. Can we elect to either send Ramona or Aviva away for every episode? Having them on the same team has been terrible this season.

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