A Prayer for Cookie Lyon

cookie

Dear Cookie Lyon:
Empress of the Empire,
Fabulosticator of Fabulosticators,
Dranker of Purple Drank,
And Haver of That Ass,

In your name,
we pray:

That all the birds
and small furry animals
who’ve donated themselves
to your wardrobe
lived long and happy lives;

That all these chilly bitches
who are not on your level
will sit down
and shut up…

Read more here: A Prayer for Cookie Lyon (The Hairpin)

The Steve Buscemi/Danny DeVito erotic fan fiction you’ve been waiting for is here.

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“Oh my god, it’s Danny DeVito!” said a firefighter who had previously shown an embarrassing amount of unchill when he’d met Steve Buscemi for the first time.

But Steve Buscemi didn’t waste any time yelling out people’s names, like we’re all idiots who don’t know that Danny DeVito both directed AND starred in Matilda. No, he hoisted the beloved television star over his shoulder, and he got the hell out of there!

Three flights of stairs and one quick jog past the Continental breakfast bar later (just to see if there was anything good left), Steve Buscemi knelt beside Danny DeVito in the parking lot and began administering CPR. It was the kind of sexy CPR that only transpires between teenagers on summer vacation, yet it was happening here, between two celebrated character actors in a congested area of Brooklyn. And even though one actor was nine inches taller than the other, and the other one was unconscious, the paramedic who witnessed it said it was the most romantic moment of his life, and he’d been on a hot air balloon, buddy.

The Fires of Love: A Danny DeVito and Steve Buscemi Erotic Fan Fiction (The Hairpin)

The Hairpin has published some of the weirdest, silliest, most niche shit I’ve written over the past two years, and I truly love them for it.

 

Art by Daniel Reis.