44 Totally Unfuckable Presidents

This piece was originally published on Medium.

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I’m getting married in a couple weeks, and as a part of my journey to find love, I’ve been doing a lot of self-questioning. It’s recently come to my attention that there is yet to be a fuckable President of the United States. I would not fuck them in the White House. I would not fuck them in a blue blouse. I would not fuck a silver fox. I would not let them in my box.

Here’s a list of my sexual opinions:

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1. George Washington — While I respect the hell out of his #childfree lifestyle, I do have to wonder if everything was working alright down there. He never managed to knock Martha up, and it’s not like that bitch was on the pill.

2. John Adams — This guy just doesn’t “get it” when it comes to women. Have you read Abigail’s letters begging him to think about women’s rights when he was about to FORM AN ENTIRE NEW GOVERNMENT, and his condescending, mansplaining replies? I’m getting a rage headache just thinking about them. He defff couldn’t find the clit.

3. Thomas Jefferson — HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Let’s not even start with this tire fire.

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4. James Madison — Straight-up looks like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets. Plus he has a weird, heart-shaped hairline. Frankly, I’d rather fuck the Muppet.

5. James Monroe — He’s the reason we have Florida. NEXT!

6. John Quincy Adams — Not into dudes whose whole life plans are so clearly centered around gaining their fathers’ approval. Take those Daddy issues to the track!

Continue reading “44 Totally Unfuckable Presidents”

You’re Invited to: My Candidate Reveal Party!

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Originally posted on Medium.

What’s up, Facebook friend! I know it’s been a long time since we’ve spoken in person, or even “Liked” each other’s new profile pics, but I want you to know that I cherish our memories together. (Although, I can’t quite place you, to be honest. Were you the girl who started dating the football coach like a month after we graduated?)

I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve been disarmingly quiet about politics on social media this election cycle. Or rather, I’ve been non-committally liberal — I’ve “Liked” both a video of Bernie hugging a bird and a picture of Hillary Clinton texting a pair of sunglasses. “Wow, how mysterious!” you probably thought. “Who supports both Democratic candidates? Her heart and her head must be in constant battle, like a Selena Gomez song! When will she pick a side?”

The truth is, I do know who I’m voting for, but I’ve been waiting to announce it because I wanted to do it in the most awesome, most SEO-friendly way possible! Today, I’ll be hosting a Candidate Reveal Party to let all my social media channels know who’s got my vote, and you’re invited! Am I #Burning4Her, or am I #WithHim? I hope you can come, or at least bump up the numbers on my Periscope feed!

Continue reading “You’re Invited to: My Candidate Reveal Party!”

10 Ways I Will Be Murdered (The Establishment)

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6. Using the bathroom at a quiet rest stop. ​Honestly, what was I thinking? Why don’t I just drag myself into the woods? I’ll end up chained up in a remote cabin, where an inbred family of cannibals will take turns making fun of my blog’s Google Analytics.

10 Ways I Will Be Murdered (The Establishment)

Check out my latest fun and fancy free piece for The Establishment!! Thank you Katie Tandy for these amazing illustrations.

The Mast Brothers: An Introduction

Hey, guys! I made a documentary about the Mast Brothers. Meet the Brooklyn chocolatiers everyone is talking about! Where did they come from, and how do they feel about their New York Times scandal?

All footage credited to The Scout. All music is public domain from Archive.org.

Disclaimer: I got nothing but love for the bros, and have both sold and purchased their chocolate in Brooklyn. 🙂

The Cool Teen’s Guide to: New Year’s Eve

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Hey, teens! Want to know “whazzup” with New Year’s Eve? It’s your lucky day: infoTEENment Publications is making The Cool Teen’s Guide to: New Year’s Eve available to you for FREE! You can read the entire guide below, or print it here (just be sure to select “double-sided” on your printer). And be sure to check out other exciting Cool Teen’s Guide titles HERE!

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Read more Cool Teen’s Guides at infoteenment.net!

 

10 Non-Braggy Self-Promotional Tweets for Female Writers

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One of the most important parts of being a writer these days is promoting your work on social media. However, if you’re a woman, there’s a fine line between being proud of your work and coming off like some braggy, uppity bitch who really thinks she’s all that. Here are some simple ways to apologize for promote your writing!

  1. “So this happened: I guess I wrote a thinger???”
  2. “You can read my dumb words written by my dumb hands and thought up by my dumb brain here, but don’t. Stupid, stupid, stupid!”
  3. “Idk I guess I put some letters together and made words that added up to complete sentences, and eventually, paragraphs?? Weird.”
  4. “Whoopsies, looks like I accidentally wrote an entire peer-reviewed article! :(”
  5. “So embarrassing that I was interviewed for this profile on living geniuses in [national magazine]. Mortified.”
  6. “Ew, just found out that something I wrote won an award. Gross. Sorry.”
  7. “Sorry. Sorry, sorry. Sorry! Sorry.”
  8. “I was featured in [publication’s] 30 Under 30, much to my chagrin. Hate people knowing my age!”
  9. “Honestly, I hate self-promotion, and I’m so sorry for this link I’m about to share. May God have mercy on my soul.”
  10. “Baby make boom-boom! [links to Nobel Prize for Literature announcement]”